It's time...

Sometimes I write things, but then they are just too personal and I sit on them a while until God prompts me to share them.  Corsars vowed to be transparent on our radical obedience journey, but sometimes the transparency is too much for our humanness.  But here you go.  I wrote this about a year ago and I'm finally feeling it's time to share it.  May God use it to bless you, encourage you, urge you on to feeling His presence.  He works all things together for GOOD:




Today I'm going to write a story, but it's not fully my own story.  It's the story of a young lady who has been fighting a big fight for the past 2 years.  She is an overcomer and she is my hero.  Her name is Alexandria Corsar. She has given me permission to write this on her behalf.

Radically following God's call on our life is something that has not been easy on our family.  I've been pretty honest about it since we started this journey.  Even though we made sure both our children were "on board" with our decision to uproot our life and come to seminary at God's call, there was still some fall out.  Some of this fallout has been so incredibly painful that I haven't wanted
to share it...until now.  But I am a firm believer that the fall out was all still part of God's sovereign plan to make my children even stronger than they were before.  One thing we have learned is to see God's hand in everything!  His hand is just as evident in sunny times as it is in the dark times.  

My daughter, Alex, has always been a strong human being.  "Strong-willed"  is what it is called in some contexts of personality.  That was a part of her that we had to come to grips with how to handle when she was just a newborn and had her own ideas of scheduling and sleeping!  She likes to do things her own way and she is 100% an individual.  The phrase "marching to the beat of her own drum" was a phrase created just for Alex!  It's really NOT easy to parent a child with this personality type, but through much prayer, research, reading, counseling, and more prayer we feel we have a pretty good handle on it now.  But this story is not about us...it's about her.  Our little fighter!  

We got to North Carolina the summer of 2013.  Finding good friends took a really long time.  She met a few friends at church to hang out with, but had a hard time going deep into those friendships.  She was longing for the friendships she had left behind.  She then began to spiral into a deep depression causing us to need to pull her out of school and homeschool her for 8th grade.  This fed the isolation she was feeling, but it did offer much time for us to talk about what God was doing in her life.  The overwhelmingness of life and the sadness of what had been taken from her took a toll on her teenage soul causing her to engage in self-harm.  At this point, we had to put her into counseling and watch her like a hawk.  Michael and I had never spent more time on our knees than we did during this year and half of this trial.  Every. single. day was a fight for her soul.  God was allowing her to tread this extremely dark valley and our  flashlights seem to lose their light at times as we tried to help her navigate.  She had a wonderful, godly counselor who helped her finally get to the other side of this darkness.  AS I type this, though, the wind is literally knocked out of my lungs as I remember back to these extremely dark times.  Fighting to hold on to my daughter, all while trying to encourage my husband to remain steadfast in God's call on our family's life.  I felt torn between two things I hated at the moment.  I hated her dark moment which I felt was caused by God's call and moving us away.  So, I was not a fan of either incident at the time.  Yet, through it all, God constantly showed Himself and reminded us that He was there.  He was our God through ALL OF IT.

Through much time spent in God's presence, my baby girl has overcome.  She courageously decided to go to high school this past year, even though I wanted to keep her homeschooled to make sure she was okay!  She pushed herself out of her comfort zone and she went soaring!  She made friends...still none as fabulous as her  North Dakota friends, but she is still waiting for God to bring those relationships to her.  She has learned to wait on God's perfect timing.  She has learned faith and confidence in herself placed there by the Creator of her soul.  She is discovering her gift of song and waiting for God to use her testimony to reach others in her shoes.  She realizes that God is writing a most amazing testimony of His faithfulness to her in her life.  The spiritual warfare is great, but she is dead set on Who will always win the battle for her soul.

We were driving yesterday and a song came on the radio.  She screamed, "Mom!  This is MY song.  It's literally perfect and says everything abut me!" As we listened to it, and she sang it loudly with such confidence, I struggled to keep my car between the lines as I cried tears of joy.  Here are the words to HER song.  They are perfect.

Like a small boat, On the ocean

Sending big waves, into motion

Like how a single word, can make a heart open

I might only have one match, But I can make an explosion.

And all those things I didn't say, Wrecking balls inside my brain.

I will scream them loud tonight, Can you hear my voice this time.

This is my fight song, Take back my life song.

Prove I'm alright song. My power's turned on,

Starting right now I'll be strong, I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep, Everybody's worried about me

In too deep, Say I'm in too deep, And it's been two years

I miss my home, But there's a fire burning in my bones, And I still believe

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me.

This is her anthem.  Let me now share the words to MY anthem.

There are days I've taken more than I can give, And there are choices that I made

That I wouldn't make again.  I've had my share of laughter

Of tears and troubled times, This has been the story of my life.

I have won and I have lost, I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not

Life's been a journey, I've seen joy I've seen regret.

Oh, and You have been my God through all of it!

You were there when it all came down on me, And I was blinded by my fear

And I struggled to believe.  But in those unclear moments

You were the one keeping me strong, This is how my story's always gone.

And this is who You are, More constant than the stars up in the sky

All these years of our lives, I look back and I see You

Right now I still do, And I'm always going to

Put our anthems together and you see that we are more than conquerors through Christ who is ALWAYS there for us!

"Can anything EVER separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted or are hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us!" (Romans 8:35,37)

He works all things for good...

You've heard the verse in Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  It's one of those verses that we memorize and just assume is true...that God is working things together behind the scenes of things we can't see.  But this time, God allowed me a glimpse behind the curtain and it was DIVINE!  I absolutely love when He gives me the privilege to make my faith my eyes.

Ill try to write it so you can follow the chain, so keep up!  :) 

A little over a year ago, I heard a song on Air1 radio that I just loved!  The artist's name was David Dunn.  Not really a big name that is known, but I was intrigued by this one song being played, so I looked up his album on Amazon and put it on my wishlist in hopes to purchase it at some point.  Our family puts things on our wishlist every year to allow our family an opportunity to see what we'd like for birthdays and Christmas.  I put it on my wishlist and kind of forgot about it, actually. 

This year for Christmas, I got the album as a gift!  I was so excited to listen to all the songs on the CD!  Now mind you, my kids don't usually listen to the kind of stuff that mom likes.  When I put in Sidewalk Prophets or Mercy Me or even Chris Tomlin, they aren't as impressed as I am.  And also mind you, my daughter had been put through a very challenging time in a relationship that literally broke her into a million pieces right after Christmas.  Heartbreak, sadness, overwhelming feelings for a teenager. 

To help you with the chain, this is kind of where all things start working together for good!  My daughter struggles with depression and I was concerned for her well-being more than I ever had been before.  I was praying for God to take control and make sure she was going to be okay.  I had my  new CD playing in the car one day as we were driving somewhere and the song, "It is Well" came on.  It's not the "It is Well" that you might know from the old hymns.  It's a new song.  Take a listen here:

The words to this song hit her broken heart to the core!  She has played it over and over every day and God is using the words as a soothing balm to her soul.  She said, "Mom, I love this song!  It's like it was written just for me! Where did you find this guy?" As I listened to her sing the words, tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that God made sure I heard this album over a year ago so that it would be purchased for me for Christmas so as to heal her brokenness right after Christmas.  Do you follow the chain?  She has given her pain to the Great Physician who is also the Great Lyricist who can write songs to woo our souls.  She journals of her pain and tells me that God is in control.  Thank you, God, for orchestrating her healing for the pain you knew was coming well over a year ago.  What great love He has for us that He ALWAYS has provided a way of escape.

"When the heartache and the headaches take my breath away, When the sunshine and the moonlight burn my skin.  When the sadness overwhelms  us and the troubled water rises.  When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense.  I'm not in control!  When my world comes crashing in around my head and I feel like I've got nothing left.  I'm not in control.  It is well with my soul.

When oppression and depression have their way with me.  When the hurting and the healing feel the same.  When the sadness overwhelms us and the troubled water rises.  When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense. I'm not in control. It is well with my soul.  

In the sadness that is tearing at my soul.  I'll remember that you've ALWAYS HAD CONTROL. You're love is crystal clear!"

When your daughter is a poet, God sure inspires some great poetry in lyrics.  All things, good or bad, always work together for good.  Thank you, Jesus, for that promise. 

Roots

This time every year I get concerned with my roots. Family. Not hair.

I get concerned about my lack of "roots".  Our gypsy lifestyle always gets the best of me from Thanksgiving until the New Year.  First a military lifestyle for 10 years of uprooting our life every 3 years.  Now a ministry lifestyle of having to "work" Christmas.  We've been in church ministry now for about 9 years and getting off for Christmas is almost impossible.  Christmas Eve is the biggest night of service, so asking off to "go home" for the holidays is never an easy task.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining.  I just get concerned about my roots when it's so blatant in my face. I'm human, no where near perfect!

As I was belaboring some root issues around Thanksgiving, even after spending time with my family in Arkansas, God shed some light on things for me.  He always does that when I bring my belabored issues to Him.  Seek and you WILL find.  He brought home for me His words in Colossians 2:7,

"Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." or Ephesians 3:17, 

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong."

My root-ed-ness is not in where my earthly family all gathers with or without me in attendance.  My roots are where God is.  And when I'm walking in obedience to God wherever He's placed me for such a time as this...that's where my roots are.  They grow deep, but they can also be easily uprooted by the Master Gardener and re-rooted wherever He sees fit to plant me.  My family is not just blood relatives, but also the church family that God has given me for the exact moment they are needed in my life.  Or even, at the exact moment I'm needed in their lives.  God's family works both ways. 

I am proud to be a Caudle by birth, a Corsar by marriage, and a child of God by His mercy and grace.  He chose me before the foundation of the earth was lain.  And I await the days the skies are rolled back as a scroll and we see all our Father face to face.  Believers in Christ all have the same roots.  We just live physically in different locations.  I love that my family is literally all over the world.  My Christmas cards reminded me of that this year. 

#notofthisworld #gypsymomma

Thoughts on Year 2 of Seminary

Well, we've been in a "foreign land" now for 2 years.  In a land not particularly of our choosing, but where God chose to send us nonetheless.  Following a direction to simply, "Go". Go to school.  Michael has finished up two years of his Master of Divinity degree.  His emphasis is currently Biblical Counseling, but that may change, as he's presently leaning toward Expository Preaching.  We've been serving in several ministry capacities, but still haven't found our "niche", and haven't received any further calling.  After two years into this obedience thing, we were kind of expecting something by now.  It's still embarrassing to answer the question, "So, what are you going to school for?" or "What are your plans after your graduate?" with the answer... "I don't really know yet."

We have learned more in the 2 years we've been here than ever in our lives.  Even though Michael is the one officially enrolled in seminary, I get to learn right alongside him.  He'll be the one getting a paper diploma at the end, but I get to enjoy all the knowledge without all the studying and tests!  :)  Not only are we receiving book knowledge, but the faith lessons are unimaginable.  Watching God's provisions will never cease to amaze me.  There are still plenty of things going on that I don't understand the reasoning behind, but I'm just leaving those things in God's capable hands.

The most amazing of His provisions come in the way of people that He places in our lives.  People who come on the scene exactly at the moment we need them.  People who share stores of things in their lives that encourage us at the exact moment we need to hear them.  Friends who provide for us financially with words totally anointed by our Father.  I want to tell you about one of those instances most recently that blessed me.

Michael and I had just had a discouraging conversation of  not feeling our "calling" yet.  There are times when God is silent and you feel He has forgotten where He's put you.  You ask Him for direction and the only answer you get goes back to your original call.  Nothing new.  Can I be honest?  That is SO frustrating!  If nothing else through our journey, I'm gonna be honest.  Following God's call is NOT easy, sometimes totally not fun, and as current culture has shown us...it's not safe!  But IT'S GOOD!  It was at this exact moment of discouragement, we received the most anointed note from a dear friend encouraging us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. She wrote, "Our ministry IS the journey.  We tend to look too far ahead sometimes."  How could this friend have known this was our struggle unless God prompted her to pray this and encourage us in this exact area?!  God is so good!

That's probably the best lesson from 2 years of seminary.  God is good.  Even though He can be hard, He's good.  Even though we don't understand, He's good.  When I doubt Him and fail him, He's still good.  And He still continuously shows me that this verse was written for me: "God directs the steps of the godly.  He cares about every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Every detail.  All the time.

Jorge the Light

I'll never get tired of that feeling that washes over you when God shows up!

I pray over my daughter every day.  Alex has had the hardest 2 years of any teenager I know.  She has been plucked out of her comfortable life and plopped right into God's plan for our family which has been anything but comfortable.  God is writing a beautiful testimony for her life that I'll let her share when she sees fit. But I'll share little snippets of it now and then.  :)

She is in a public high school in a pretty big city.  1600 kids walk the halls daily.  Since her first day of school I have emulated my cousin who has prayed this verse over her children:

Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."  

Daily, I have prayed for her to shine so bright that others find Christ through her actions.  Every day.  But daily, she comes home defeated as if she's just fought the biggest, ugliest battle in history!  She comes home tired and depressed.  This morning, I was impressed to pray something different over her.  I asked God instead of making her a light to shine all alone...may He lead her to other lights in her school.  I asked Him to show her other believers to remind her that she's not alone, so they can shine even brighter together!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, " Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; If either of them falls down, one can help the other up."

I prayed this prayer as I dropped her off, and drove home.  I really didn't think anything of it as my day went by and I was engaged with a thousand other things!  I  noticed Alex was more chipper and energetic when I picked her up  after school.  Again...didn't think much of it.  But after dinner this evening, she walks downstairs with her Bible in her hand.  She had ask her dad to start discipling her and teaching her how to study her Bible. She then tells me that she met a new friend in class today, named Jorge.  He is a Mexican kid who speaks broken English that she struggles to understand.  But he asked her in class about the church she went to.  He asked her to tell him about her church, and then he told her about his church.  He then started quizzing her on Bible trivia.  They talked about God until the teacher got upset with them for disrupting class.

As she was sharing this story with me, God showed up.  Well, He had been there all along, but He finally showed up in my mind. I started crying, and Alex, who is quite used to her mom's emotional tears, rolled her eyes jokingly and asked why I was crying.  I told her about my prayer for her this morning.  My prayer for God to lead her to other lights in her school.  Jorge the light.  I'll take it!

Sometimes we pray things that we think are right to pray.  There was nothing wrong with my prayer for God to make her a light.  I believe He is doing that in His own way.  But God impressed on me to ask Him for something MORE right for her...right now.   I wonder if Jorge's mom was praying for him this morning, too.  Praying that he might find another light today.

Psalm 37:23 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly.  He cares about every little detail of their lives."    Every. little. detail.

New

Today I start my new year.  Putting away the Christmas decorations of the month past.  Putting fresh, new sheets on bedding.  Washing laundry to make it fresh and clean after a great week of celebrations!  Focusing on a new year and what I want to accomplish and change this year.  As I contemplate all these things, God gives me the word "new" to focus on.

My day began thinking of my precious cousin, Schawn, who is currently living in a new body with our Savior in Heaven.  She is in all new surroundings that would literally blow our minds just thinking of all the new sights and sounds she is experiencing!  I have always been fascinated with Heaven and longed for the day I get to see it!  I always get a little jealous of those who get to experience it before me. Morbid?  No.  That's where I'm created to live, so it's natural to feel a longing for it.

The word "new" is used numerous times in the Bible.  The verse that resounds in my head today is Lamentations 3:22-23, "The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS; his mercies are NEW every morning." I read a Desiring God commentary that stated  God is not "old"; He is.  We are not young or old; we are.  It is a continuum of time on God's big timeline.  Everything that is in existence now is because that is where God has placed it on the timeline to exist for His glory.  Daily, He makes all things new because it is existing today for His glory. My cousin, who lost her mom, said she is just taking things "day by day".  That's exactly how we are to live.  God gives us the grace sufficient for one day.  I exist for His glory today. Tomorrow is not promised to me, but if I am blessed with another day, it is a new day. One more day to proclaim the glory of God. One more day in which He will be with me, walking beside me, giving me strength to do the task He has called me to do...today.

I can't stop singing "It is Well With My Soul" today.  The history of that great hymn goes something like this.  Horatio Spafford was a wealthy man in Chicago who was financially ruined after the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.  He was moving overseas on business, but had to send his wife and four daughters ahead so he could finish up a business venture.  Their ship collided with another sea vessel and sank instantly.  His wife was saved alone.  Horatio came to get his wife and while grieving the loss of his four daughters, he penned the words to this great hymn.  "When peace like a river attendeth my soul.  When sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to know.  It is well, it is well, with my soul."

The people of the church he attend

ed and where he was an elder, decided that he and his wife must be living in great sin and these events were God's punishment on them, so they cast them from their church.  Can you imagine that pain?! After starting a new family with his wife, their four year old son soon died from scarlett fever. Sorrows like sea billows roll is certainly right.  But did they turn from God?  No.  They allowed the great pain in their life to be used by God to bring glory to His Kingdom.  

In this new year, I want to use whatever God gives me to bring glory to His Kingdom.  I want to live on His great timeline and not try to make it my own.  Whatever happens, it is well with my soul. 

Evan and I set up a mock recording studio this afternoon to honor my cousin's family and my family during this trying time of grief.  My 12 year old is amazing at his computer, so we hope you enjoy this recording session we shared together as I worked through my own grief.  It's all I have to offer to you...along with my prayers of comfort.  I love you Caudles, Browns, Slacks, Carters, Spanglers, Stuhans, and Williamsons.

Obedience

Usually when God speaks to me, it's in a gentle voice.  Kind of like, as a child, when your parent would gently ask you to clean your room or do a chore. At that point, you have a choice to obey or disobey.  If you disobey, the voice your parent uses becomes a little more harsh and loud.  And consequences soon follow. Know what I'm talking about?

Over a year ago, God told us to "Go."  He said it in a gentle voice and we obeyed.  Now I like to say that I'm "walking in obedience" because of that one act of obedience.  Recently, God has been teaching me that it's not a one time thing, but more like every  day.   Acting obediently and rightly every. single. day.
I expect my children to obey every day.  At the sound of your alarm clock, you wake up.  Obedience.  You get yourself dressed and out the door for school on time.  Obedience.  You respect the rules of our home.  Obedience.
Why was I thinking God was any different a parent than I am?

Of course, He's the perfect Father.  I, of course, am no where near the perfect child.  I have been quite disobedient for over a year now.  I've been a spoiled baby, is exactly what I've been.  God has been telling me gently that I need to start taking care of my body.  Treating it with more respect, keeping it healthy, feeding it properly, building strength instead of fat.  I've given in to "stress" and given myself permission to eat foods that comforted me instead of foods that healed me.  As God gently reminds me time and time again of His plans for me that are good, I am convicted of what I am doing to myself that is not good.

Obedience.  My choice.

I was convicted a few weeks ago during church.  Our amazing church is growing in number so we are currently in the process of building a larger building.  Larger buildings require funds to build them.  We've been talking about sacrificing things to be able to give to our church.  Joyfully giving out of obedience, sacrifice, and knowing God will provide a way for us.  My 12 year old son had been saving up money for a larger computer monitor. After his birthday he had enough money to be able to buy one that we found a great deal on for $60! He had his money in his pocket one Sunday because we were going to pick up the monitor that Sunday after church was over.  Before service started, he said, "Mom, I need to talk to you about something." He said he was feeling God asking him for that $60 to give to the church instead of buying something he didn't really need, but just wanted.  He wasn't sure what God could do with his measly $60, but his wise response to God was that he would definitely obey because he knew God would provide for him in His perfect timing.  Yes, my 12 year old responded with such joyful obedience & with full trust that God would provide for him. No closed fists....just an open palm raised to Heaven.

If my 12 year old can obey like that, then much older momma can stop acting like a spoiled brat and obey with her health, knowing that God will provide a way for her out of her joyful sacrifice.  Is it even the same concept?  YES!  God doesn't just want me to obey with my finances.  He wants me to obey with my talents, my choices, my health, my service...everything!! Everything I do should be a reflection of His glory in me.

So, tomorrow...during the week of Thanksgiving, God has called me to be obedient in the most difficult way possible (at least for me).  I will be starting a lifestyle change of portion control and exercise...did I mention over Thanksgiving?  God seems to make the challenges not quite so easy.  But He always provides a way for us to obey.  He sent an old friend to help me through this process with a program and some accountability.

His plans for me are GOOD!  What He will reveal after my step of obedience is something I cannot wait to see. My loving Father has told me to keep my hands out of the cookie jar, and I choose obedience.  I choose sacrifice and joy.