I have to admit, I kind of like that I was created that way. I enjoy my contemplative times in the winter months when I can sit and be still and hang out with God. I crawl up in His lap next to the fireplace every day and I really enjoy those times. In the spring and summer months, my time with God is still present, but we are outside creating together and enjoying His creation.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, let me explain. Michael was laid off from his amazing, well paying job unexpectedly December 1. There was so much going on in our lives at that time and losing a job was not a welcome experience right then and there. We kind of hydroplaned through the busy-ness of December bracing for the stillness of the holiday season so that we could plummet into the hard brick wall of a spiritual and emotional winter. My SAD usually hits around the January time frame and it hit hard this year. God and I had many talks by the fireplace about what in the world He was doing?! Had He forgotten we had just purchased a home? A large home for which to do ministry for Him? Had He forgotten that Michael just graduated? Had He not looked ahead on our calendar and noticed that we have a senior graduating from high school this year? There are lots of things to be paid for senior year, God, in case you didn't know that's how we humans do things. AND God decided to move us to another church family in the middle of all this making it really hard for me to stay in my comfortable shell during this most challenging time. The literal feeling of drowning and suffocation. Combating the human fear of losing our home, and questioning ALL that you thought God was doing in your life before He brought it all to an abrupt halt. Do we stay in North Carolina? Do we look for work elsewhere? We were 100% certain of the open doors He put in front of us when we moved to this house in March 2017. What in the world are we to do God?!
Silence. That was His answer.
Understanding faith with your heart is one thing. It's a sweet, Christian sentiment we listen to in a sermon on Sunday. But actually living out faith with your head is another thing entirely. It's not something we humans have genetically built into us. You have to ask for it every day from the Spirit who guides you. The Spirit is the only thing that helps our unbelief. We don't just muster it up on our own. Believe me, I tried. And I failed. Miserably. I was Job's wife to my husband. I whined and pouted like a whiny child to my Father. I failed to see His provisions on a daily basis...as I lived in a huge house, by the way. Let the ugliness of my heart and the coldness of my winter sink in here.
Then my eyes were opened to see that He was with us fighting our battle, making all things new, providing for us. We never went hungry or without. My worship became sweeter. My children's faith became deeper. Michael was able to minister to friends and his children over breakfasts, lunches, and date nights in his "free time" of waiting. We made the most of it and had friends over for dinner and fellowship.
God's name became to me The Lord of Hosts, God Almighty. I meditated on Psalm 46 every day, then I found the song "Psalm 46" by Shane and Shane and listened to it a thousand times a day! "Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all, the One who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still. Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea, the nations rage, I know my God is in control!" I began to see the evidence of His love for me all around in even the mundane things of life. I listened for His answers to my heart's cry in nature, in His Word, in the words of Christian friends and family, in articles I would read. He is literally everywhere when you seek Him with your whole heart. I finally gave in to whatever He caused to happen and it would be okay. If we move, okay. If we lose the house, okay. If we stay, okay. If He calls us to do something that makes no sense at all, okay. If He's clear with His directions, great. If not, He's Sovereign, and it's okay.
Then, after 4 months of rejection emails, one company found Michael and pursued him. He will start next week as Regional Operations Director of ProSource of Raleigh. He will then branch out with their company in Charlotte and Savannah, GA. He's doing basically the same job he was doing before his layoff for another company.
It's not lost of me that the first day of Spring was last week. The Lord of Hosts, Jehovah Sabaoth, God Almighty fought our way through the winter for us. One of the studies I did through the winter said this:
"To summarize, the is the Name of God we find used in Scripture when a man or woman is at the end of their rope so to speak -- Jehovah Sabaoth is the Strong Tower which God has made available for those times when we fail & are powerless, when our resources are inadequate, when there is no other help. And it is especially during those times that one comes to appreciate that God is truly the LORD of the Armies & of all hosts. In short, Jehovah Sabaoth speaks of God's available power in our time of trouble."
We don't know what the future holds with this company, with our ministry, with our family. But we are in 100% with whatever God puts out for us to do. He has shown time and time again that He does not fail, He does not forget us, He provides, He upholds, He is compassionate, He loves deeply, He fights for us. Most importantly, He's WITH US. Through thick and thin. Through winter and spring.